Missing dad, and how I have changed the past three years.

So it has been almost three years since I lost my father. On March 5th, it will be official. I still miss him just as much, if not more, the longer I go without hearing his voice, getting his advice, getting one of his big bear hugs... but I can't believe how much I've grown these past three years. My priorities are 1. Kids 2. School 3. everything else (Justin of course, with the kids)

We all grow, of course, only I had to grow up quicker than most, losing my father, right after I had my first daughter, Caelin, at twenty one. I went from a life of partying, drama and a very full social life, where every little problem was so huge even though it was petty. Where my fiance and I fought non stop, though I'm not taking all the blame there. :) But still, the stupid things we fought over, the so called 'friends' we let come between us, and the actually good friends I sometimes pushed away, really makes no logical sense to me.

I should start of by explaining, I had anxiety, and still do, and a little depression back then. That is why I had to drink just to deal with people, besides my family and Justin. I didn't go to college, but got a good part time job, that was a great experience, but I wish I had gone so that it would have been a little easier.

Now I am in my second year of college, with a 4.0 so far, for Science education. My days are spent studying, taking care of my three kids, struggling to keep my house not looking like a tornado hit it, writing, cooking, walking, and reading in between the chaos, usually right before I knock out at the late hour of 9 pm, if I'm lucky I can hold my eyes open long enough to say something to my fiance before he gets here. I wouldn't have it another way.

Now, that I have children, huge problems seem minuscule. I know I can overcome anything. I have lost all of my grandparents but one, my father... those are biggies, but I've handled them with grace. We're slam broke, our rent piling up, things in pawn shops, one income until I get student loan returns at least, and we struggle. But the kids have everything they need.

I am rambling, like always. I am proud of myself, finally, and that is crazy to say. I am a good mom, the best I can be. I spend all my time reading to them, dancing and singing with them, teaching them science, math and even a little keyboard. I love them more than my life, and they make any bad mood turn around. I am so blessed to have them, though they make everything ten times harder, they make things ten times better. Everything they do I am amazed by. Olivia trying to crawl, Bella doing somersaults, Caelin singing full songs and knowing the planets and so much more.

I am proud I am in college, with three kids it's not easy, but I've been doing it, and i'm going to finish. I'm proud I am finally writing again, something I have always loved. Im almost done writing a book I started at the beginning of December, and that is just awesome for someone who didn't write for two years. I'm also proud of my weight loss, I weigh less now than I did before I was pregnant with Caelin. 

I am not perfect, not at all. Not even close. I cuss too much, I am not organized at all, I am clumsy and constantly bruising myself or hurting my knee that seems to get achier every time. I am too easy on my older kids, becuase I can't stand to see them upset. I am not the nicest person sometimes, sometimes I can just flip out on Justin, but in turn he does that too, and we know we'll forgive each other. Our relationship, eight years going on, is stronger than ever, a friendship with more passion than before, unbelievably.

I digress, I am proud of who I have beecome, but I am NOT ashamed of who I was. I have always been a good person with good morals and values, kind and fun and smart and creative. I was YOUNG. That's all that was. I wish my dad was here to see the woman I've become, or should I say am becoming, because there is much room to grow, to change. Some say he is watching me. I don't know, but if so I hope he knows the biggest reason I am who I am today is because of how they raised me. Sure, they fought a lot, and we fought, but at the end of the day my values, pride, and brains are from them.

I hope to be the best parent possible, to give my kids the best life possible, and to tell them stories of They're grandfather they didn't meet. I hurt less, cry less, but sometimes it's still a raw wound, and I can just look at a picture of us and cry, other days I am joking about something. Justin is here for me, as are family, who may be far away but I now they care. And I have my babies who make me so happy, keep me so busy. I am blessed to have them in my life, and was blessed to have my dad. I miss you pops.